Monday, November 24, 2008

i couldn't turn on the tv without something there to remind me... -PART 1-

i'm back in kch once again. getting use to the routine of being in Miri for about 5 months and then back home in Kuching for more or less a month plus. I kinda felt uncivilized and going insane for not having internet connection at home. seriously. stupid phone company not connecting phone wire post yet at my house area. damn it! anyways, i'm currently meditating in Starbucks, the Spring for a while for internet.

I can't express how much i miss Miri this time. It's like different than all the other holidays. This time it felt like everything is going out the window. Nothing will ever be the same. it just broke my heart. i cant believe how attached i am to everything and everyone in miri. till a point where i would cry every time i think about it. even watching E! channel makes my tears drop. WTF? i would remember the times when me and van watch E! together and then Abby n Fidah join us. damn i'm so emo right now. in starbucks? people already thought i was crazy for laughing in front of my laptop, what more to say when i cry here? sheesh... i miss waking up in my room, in my bed, seeing baby love when i wake up. i can't say in the morning cuz i usually wake up at 1pm. so yea.. i thought when i got back to Kuching my sleeping habit will be back to normal, but what the hell? it stayed the same way. my dad had to call my sister at 12 noon to wake me up. see how crazy that is?

anyway, i miss the burger stall in miri. i miss having supper with the people i love. with my baby love, with Abby, Hoe, Dinesh, Azfar. i think it's been 3 posts about this already. I'm sorry to keep repeating it cuz i really can't let it go. this is the first time in my life that i feel like it's the hardest thing to let go of everything. Even when Dira went back to Kuching and not coming back to miri anymore, i felt okay cuz i know i'll see her again. but this time, even i know i'll be seeing fidah again, and abby, and van... it just won't be the same. I've nver been this attached in my life.

miss that dining table. pvffff... wtf? miss playing big 2 with danny and daniel.

cooking for us? pvfff...

there's a lot more pictures i want to post up. but the internet connection is being stupid. there will be a part 2 of this. till then...


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

i'm gonna smile cause i deserve to, it'll all get better in time...

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remaind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

The song explains it all. Current mood, the current song i'm listening to. I am really sad these few days huh? Surprised? I don't think so. Abby's been asking me why am i in an emo-state again. The thing is, i don't have the answer. I just don't. I miss home so much. I miss my cousins, my parents, my room, my gramma... i miss everything about home. But i'm not ready for this semester to end. NO!!! I'm not ready to leave my friends behind. Not ready for them to leave me just yet. But i'm anxious to meet my cousins back home. I wish i can stop time and divide myself into half. How selfish of me.

But no matter what, i know i couldn't live without my friends, but if they have to leave, i know i will get better in time. =)

Dinesh ;) , Abby, Hoe and Fidah's fingers... Dinesh's sem farewell.

Shannon, me, Dinesh, Abby

Azfar, Shannon, Dinesh, Hoe

Azfar and me

Baby love, Azfar, Dinesh, Hoe - House 3570

Me, Hillie, Shannon

Shannon, Dinesh, Me, Abby, Hoe

Hillie, Abby, Me

I'll post up more photos later. =) till next time.

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time


Monday, November 17, 2008

it's the way you make me feel...

today, well, tonight, i decided to fuck the capital letters at the beginning of every sentence. turn lazy tonight. so yeah. anyway, it's funny how i'm still caught up with my emo-state since last night. PMS? maybe but i don't think so. everyone i have loved came into my life just to leave. some left for good, some are just around but we grew apart. something that Abigail told me the second semester i was here in curtin was that friends come and go. literally. tonight, this post is about my friends, whom are now long gone or far far away, i do miss you. you know who you are.

i don't understand how i get like this suddenly. writing this in the center of noises but i can still manage to concentrate pouring out my thoughts.

i miss i miss i miss i miss i miss i miss i miss i miss i miss i miss i miss... a lot of people. i miss having my friends around, not that i have any. a few that i think i lost. i don't regret the past. i don't regret knowing them. just that it sucks they had to go. but oh well.


something off topic i know, but i really wanna dance right now. wish i can clear this dining table and and hang on a disco ball, off the lights and just on the red light we have at home and start dancing. i know van and abby will join me. my baby love will be next in line with danny n dinesh to shuffle on the floor. and when azfar gets back. the party starts. hahahahaha...

iTunes : Speedwave Zhangar


i admit my high school time was fucked up like hell. i always felt like an outcast. never had real friends. i don't know why at one point. until i got close with a few people. Adira Kamil, my best friend, my sister... i love her till death do us part. i'd do anything for her. i'd sacrifice anything for her. that's what sisters are for. i thought it was enough that i'm always there for her, but now i know better, it's never enough. Nadya Natasha, babe i love you so much and i know you know that. seriously. *grins* you know, i know. enough till there. true? not like you'll be reading it but just in case. she was at one point my twin in school. where there's Dya, there's me and vice versa. Dzimmo was once a very very very close friend of mine. he was my bestfriend. i can tell him anything and everything. he helped me through my pain with family and a lot more. i do miss him. really. but what can i do. like what i mention friends come and go. Zaharah Hanum, she's the bestfriend i had after high school was over. funny isn't it? we were friends for so long and suddenly after school, we got together for a few movies and suddenly we're inseparable. We always have time for each other. and somehow after years of not knowing whether i was remembered or forgotten, Niesa Z. came back to my life. we had a really big fight - and then we just grew apart. a lot. she basically hates me right now i think. but i do admit, i miss her a lot. there's nothing i can do about it. i can't have anyone in my life who does not want to be in it. true?

and after, i thought friends can be replaced, but no. i've learnt that you can only make more friends. and not replace them. no matter how bad you want to. there's where fidah, abby, van and hillie came in the picture. i'm forever grateful that i know these four bitches. girls, i am forever grateful. i hope you don't have to go and always be there. it's like i wanna freeze time and not let anything change.

for other friends that i do not mention, it's not that i don't appreciate you, it's just that you're descriptions are saved for my blog posts to come. =)

angelic van - courtesy of mea's phone

Jazz Fest

woman! stop taking pictures of yourself

nice shades feeds *hints hints*

pretty princess


some pictures i will upload another time. currently using baby love's laptop. so i had to make do with what i have. till next time.


Saturday, November 15, 2008

~It's larger than life + Tribute to my dearies~

Right after watching P.S I Love You i felt like blogging. PVFFFFFFF... Random much? And yeah, Azfar decided to peep on my laptop when i'm typing. Even shout at my ear. WTH??? Hahahahaha... Well, that is the big guy. Can't live with him, can't live without him either. It's been a month since i blogged. Well, for the past month, it was exam time and most of the nights was Boy Bands karaoke nights. SWEEETTT!!!~ Well, most of the times it was me and Fiddy singing and Gala making his over expression face and hand motions following the lyrics of the song. Things are certainly not going to be like this again next semester. Azfar and Hoe leaving for Perth. I'll be back where i started. Baby love moving back to hostel. I'm left with Fiddy, Abby, Van, Gala and Dinesh. Danny also said he's going off to Australia. Probably for sure this time. It's like writing a tribute or something.


Please let the others know about this. They might not know about what i'm writing here for their marvelously ignorance to blogs. Especially who i'm writing it to. And don't worry. There will be something for you as well.

This semester is about to end, and i'm really sad about it. I don't want all this to fade away just like that. I don't want it to just disappear like it's invaluable. To me, it's the most priceless time i've ever had in my life. Somehow i feel like crying when i'm writing it. But i can't. Azfar, Gala, Fidah, Hoemak and Abby is here. It's just wrong. I'll continue from Coffee Bean


So now here i am, continuing my blog writing at Coffee Bean. With my Baby love staring at the screen of my laptop while eating lagsana. pvffffff... Eat first then look elsewhere can? Starting to use the Dinglish right now. It's so not cool. I had a few bites on the blueberry crumble but it's not as delicious. Apple or banana crumble would be better. Wonder if they can sell something similar to my Aunty Nani's Cheese Peach Pie. Love it. My dearies of 3570 loves them too. Especially Van, always waiting anxiously for it every time i return from a trip to Kuching. I'm kinda lost about what i wanted to write, what i'm suppose to write and what i want to write now. We'll start with what i wanted to write.

~What i WANTED to write~

House 3570 has been the best thing that's ever happened to me and i would like to express it all out now before it's too late. I've made friends there, lost friends too and either get involved or witness fights amongst friends and foes. We're the multi-racial clan that gets along very well and i quote Fidfy, *You rarely see that happening nowadays. NO! SERIOUSLY!* Well it's true you know. Most people only hang out with either people of their same race or from the same place.

Dinesh ---> (who most people in the house call Jega, Dog, Jegs or Danish) is from JB/KK (who's racially a Sri Lankan, not Indian, but culturally a chinese),

My baby love ---> from KK as well (Abby refers to him as the Pirate boy -due to his Suluk racial background),

Hoe ---> a chinese boy from KL (Mr Megat Johan Iskandar Shah - figure it out for yourself)

Abg Azfar ---> my Kolej senior whom i first feared for a couple of years for his brutal-ness during the Kolej era and i befriended when i'm in Curtin (don't quite know how to describe his race though)

Van ---> my Filipino friend, whom i knew from Azfar. (Like b'duh! They're together, well sort of, or maybe or maybe not. I DON'T KNOW)

And then there's...

Fidah ---> a bruneian, Iqbal's cousin, and now a very close friend of mine.

Gala ---> (Some ethnic race that i kinda forget but it starts with a K, i think) Fidah's boyfriend, Azfar's best friend.

Abby Chu Chang Yee ---> the cute little chinese girl i knew from the house as well, and now Hoe's girlfriend.

Fariq ---> the malay guy from Ipoh! Mr Rugby President.

Joe Xavier ---> another chinese best friend of Azfar's who's graduating this sem.

Bel ---> Joe's girlfriend who is also chinese.

and some more people in the house that i don't know how to describe. Alvin, Daniel, Vimel, Shannon, Danny and maybe some other people that i forget to mention.

Well, it really bumps me out that some of my friend are leaving soon, transferring to Perth or graduating. It sucks that i've gotten so close and attached and now i have to let them go. Trust me when i say, i did not plan all this. I did not plan to get this close to them. Nor did i want to but it just happened. We were meant to be friends. I know i'm sad that my friends are leaving, imagine being their other half. I would kill me to let them go. But life goes on. (HAH* poetic much?) I'm being terribly emotional for some reason. I had this talk with Fidah the other day.. makes me very sad.


I HATE HOE FOR BEING CLOSE TO ME JUST WHEN HE WANTED TO LEAVE!!! Not his fault or maybe partially his fault. I was always scared of him before. He's like this bitter chinese guy who always gets mad at everyone. Well, like people on PMS u know. It's like sometimes random when he gets mad. Freaks me out. I was normally scared to ask him for favors BUT somehow, he turn out to be the best-weirdly-annoying friend i've ever had. I always thought that Dinesh would be that friend. Now i'm so gonna miss him when he fly off to Perth. Poor Abby, but we'll be there for you girl!!! I hope Hoe won't forget me after he finish his studies. All the nicknames he gave me. Sometimes i hate it when he calls me all that, but i've lived to absorb it and ignore. HAHA... Oh well, Mr. HoeMak, i'll miss you.


Along with him, i've been hanging out with Fariq for quite sometime. Not as close but he's a friend of mine. He's little crazy when he got wasted. NO! SERIOUSLY! Camry car? Ring a bell? The incident about the fling thing? The most cruel way to break off (not break up when you were never in a relationship) with a girl. A lot more things about him. He's graduating this sem and he promised to come and visit later on. Hope you do. And don't forget me. *sob sob*


I was never really close to Azfar from the beginning but somehow him leaving makes me sad too. Deceived by appearance (which some people say he's a gangster and all, probably he is, in a good way) he is actually a very nice person and trustworthy. Honestly, i'm scared to talk to im half the time. Crazy shit? He always ignores me and act like i don't exist in the house. Well, not all the time. But sometimes. He came up with his ridiculous "math formula ; 1 over mea = ???" WTF??? hahahahaha... In case i don't dare to say it to you later Bg Aspa, will miss you when you're leaving. *hugs*
I know Van's gonna miss you badly. Heh... Van's like the big sister in the house and she acts more kiddy like sometimes. She's a fun person to hang out with and well, She's Van. =D


Abby and Fiddy, Thanks a lot for being with me through thick and thin. I love you 2 so much. You're (referring to both) like the person i turn to when i get all down and share problems with. We don't normally agree on everything, but still, You two are the best. You're the closest i have to Dira. Even though i miss her so much and she never care about me nowadays, which i don't know why, you both filled up that space in my life. Seriously, i don't know what i would do without you both with me. I know whatever happens in next semester, i'll always have Abby and Fidah. My 2 girls. Fiddy girl, we have the same background and all, well, basically, well, u understand what i'm trying to say, i know how you feel, and i know, you know how i feel. (COMPLICATED MUCH???) Accyee, Girl, I love you guys!


And i know this might be as random, but i'm glad to know Danny in my life. He might be pretentious, sometimes ignorance, but still, he's my friend and somehow my brother. (although after the break up with my sister thing) We may have issues, but we always work things out. I think. Well, whatever anyone thinks, or even you yourself think (referring to Danny) you're the friend whom i love and hopefully will stay in my life.

Dinesh is as annoying as usual. Hoe's other half. Hoe always goes down to Dinesh's room right after he wake up. It's the Chinese-Indian bond thing. Well, that's what they say. Dinesh will still be here anyways, so not much to say about him.

As for my Baby Love, i'm so excited for your trip to Kuching during my birthday! Love you sweetheart. *kisses*

And again Abby, thanks for being there for me. Somehow i know i'll always be there for you. It took me 2 cups of coffee and one slice of blueberry crumble and 2 fags to finish writing this, Gonna have another one after.