You know i love you mama.. You're the queen of my heart!

By the way,

Happy 2nd Year Anniversary to Papa and Mummy
(not that you're reading)

I was watching Stepmom on tv2 just now. Makes me miss my late mom so much. I know a lot of people think i hate my stepmom. The fact is that i don't. All i feel is that i don't want anything to change. I just want my Ummi to be here. Wish she was here. It's hard you know. As you may read from my previous posts, she's one hell of a super woman. There is no replacement, ever in the whole wide world. I just want a day, where i can actually cry in her arms and tell her all my problems, be her baby girl one more time. I know people say that she's always with me. She's always in my heart and all, but i just want, for once, to see her in front of my eyes, hugging her. I miss that a lot. I always imagine what it would be like if there's only me, Papa and Ummi, with little Amy and Nini.. what would it be like? I can only ask myself those questions. I have no answer for it. I don't ever want my parents to cry for me ever again. I don't want my mom to cry because of me. Sometimes i cry in my sleep. When i think of her, I'd smile to myself, thinking all the memories i have. Which is not much. I've only known the woman half my life. It's not enough. I know i'm the furthest from a perfect daughter right now, but i'm learning to be one. I'd sacrifice anything in the world to meet her again. Meet someone who looks like her. I know this is stupid. But before this, i use to share my ex-boyfriends mom. She's one heck of a woman. Just that when she gives me a hug, i felt loved. I felt my mom's presence in her. Now that my dad has a new wife, i have a new stepmom, i still can't accept it. But I'm learning. I hope one day i can accept her as my mom. But for now just let it be. It needs time. Quote from the Stepmom movie just now :

" Isabel: I never wanted to be a mom. Well sharing it with you is one thing, carrying it alone for the rest of my life, always being compared to you. You're perfect. They worship you. I just don't want to be looking over my shoulder for the next 20 years knowing that someone else could have done it right, done it better, the way that I can't.

Jackie: What do you have that I don't?

Isabel: Your mother earth incarnate.

Jackie: You're hip and fresh.

Isabel: You ride with Anna.

Jackie: You'll learn.

Isabel: You know every story, every wound, every memory. Their whole life's happiness is wrapped up in you. Don't you get it? Look down the road at her wedding. I'm in a room, alone with her, fitting her veil, fluffing her dress, telling her no woman has ever looked that beautiful. And my fear is that she'll be thinking, I wish my mom was here.

Jackie: And mine is, she won't. But the truth is, she doesn't have to choose. She can have us both, love us both. And she'll become a better person because of me and because of you. I have their past and you can have their future."

I don't know what my mom wants me to think. but that's the best i can think of too. I just miss her so much.

You taught me everything and everything you've given me
I always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, yeah
There isn't anything or anyone that I can be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side
You were there for me to love and care for me when skies were grey
Whenever I was down you were always there to comfort me
And no one else can be what you have been to me
You will always be, you always will be the girl
In my life for all times

Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
Yes it is

You're always down for me
Have always been around for me even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong
Yes you did
And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on
There was so many times looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me and say to me I can face anything
And no one else can do what you have done for me
You'll always be, you will always be the girl in my life

Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
Yes it is

Never gonna go a day without you
Fills me up just thinking of you
I'll never go a day without my mama

Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Lovin' you is like food to my soul
Yes it is

Yes you are

Somehow i know she is listening to my every cry, my every thought. I'm happy just to think that she's up where Allah SWT is taking care of her.

In loving memory of Hanifah Mohsen and Amylia Maisarah Misnu
(1961-1999, 1998-1999)

Cherrio, xoxo